


Gilderoy Lockheart and the Order of the Phoenix

by tossedwaves



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Order of the Phoenix AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27256231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tossedwaves/pseuds/tossedwaves
Summary: Gilderoy Lockheart decides to spend 1992 writing another book. He comes to Hogwarts in Harry's fifth year instead.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 31
Collections: Fic In A Box





	Gilderoy Lockheart and the Order of the Phoenix

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fencesit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fencesit/gifts).



“And we have two new additions to our Hogwarts staff this year! Please welcome Professor Lockheart, who will be teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts!” Professor Dumbledore's voice was as composed as ever.

Loud cheers erupted throughout the Great Hall. An attractive man who seemed to have more gel in his hair than he knew what to do with stood up, a grin spread across his face. He waved to greet his adoring fans, an alarming percentage of the Hogwarts school body. When the cheers started to subside, he gestured with his arms to start them back up again. After three rounds of this, he finally deigned to sit down.

Professor Dumbledore stepped in. “Thank you, Professor Lockheart. And we also have a new position this year; please welcome Dolores Umbridge as Hogwarts High Inquisitor!” Umbridge’s smile curled across her face. It looked as studied as Lockheart’s, only he pulled it off much better. 

The professors’ pinched faces seemed to imply that there was a story behind the new hirings.

* * *

The next day, a conversation could be heard over the sounds of breakfast by those who knew enough to pay attention. Hermione was one such person. 

“Albus, I know that there have been very few job applications over the past few years, but was his really the only one?” Professor McGonagall’s brows were furrowed in concern. 

Dumbledore’s face was as impassive as ever. “It was. And Cornelius started reminding me that if no one applied for the Defence position, the Ministry could step in and appoint someone. I fear it was either Gilderoy Lockheart or Dolores Umbridge.”

* * *

The first class of Defence against the Dark Arts started with a bang. Harry was hoping that their new professor would be better than the others—all of whom had attacked him at some point, though it hadn’t really been Professor Lupin’s fault—but he didn’t suspect it to be very likely. His suspicions were immediately confirmed. 

Their new professor threw his office door open with a bang and strode to the front of the classroom, where he immediately performed some ridiculous flourish with his periwinkle cape and bent into a deep bow. 

Beside him, Ron groaned. “I can’t believe Mum loves him. Just look at him, the ponce!” A sideways glance at Hermione, who was watching with rapt attention, only made him scowl harder.

“Hello, my dear students! Let me introduce you to the recipient of the Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, the winner of Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award for the eighth year in a row, the bestselling author of dozens of books, and wizard extraordinaire!” Lockheart swept his arms out and bowed again. “This paragon of accomplishment is, of course, me! You have had some unfortunate professors in the past, but have no fear, Gilderoy Lockheart is to the rescue!” He gestured with his thumbs at his grinning face in a pose that he must have practiced for hours in front of the mirror.

Harry and Ron exchanged dumbfounded glances and Hermione sat back in her seat. Most of the class was giving their professor blank looks, and Harry could see Malfoy snorting. There were a few girls who were giggling, but Harry could see that almost everyone was not impressed. This did not discourage their professor, however. 

Lockheart pointed dramatically at the front row. “First of all, I must evaluate how much you have all prepared over the summer! There is a lot you can learn from my books. How many of you remember what my favorite colour is? Time to see!” And he passed out a stack of papers. 

To his right, Ron grimaced. A quiz on the first day of class was definitely not his idea of fun. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t get any better from there. Harry was, if he did say so himself, quite good at Defence Against the Dark Arts. But he couldn’t answer a single question. They were all ridiculous. Who would memorize what brand of haircare Lockheart used? And why did it matter that lilac was his favorite color? None of this would help one jot against Voldemort. 

Harry raised his hand. “Sir, what does any of this have to do with Defence? What would knowing your favorite color do against Voldemort?” There were many gasps, and whispers broke out throughout the room.

Professor Lockheart dropped his grin and tutted. “Harry, was it? Yes, of course, Harry Potter! I understand that you became famous over a decade ago, and you’re worried that you might lose it.” Harry gaped at him. “I imagine learning Defence is important to you. But how can you begin to understand the greatest wizard in history if you don’t learn his goals and ambitions?” His grin reappeared. “By greatest wizard, I of course mean myself. And I am willing to give you some of my best tips! Don’t worry, Harry, I’ll show you how to keep up with your fame. And if You-Know-Who somehow managed to show up here, I’d defeat him to protect all of you! So, you really have nothing to fear.” He put a hand on his hip in a dramatic pose, but even Lavender Brown looked skeptical after that declaration. 

Harry shot his hand up again, but Lockheart only shook his head. “I realize you are full of enthusiasm to learn, which is excellent, Harry! But you have to finish your quiz first.”

Harry shot a disgusted look at him and gripped his pen tightly. He opened his mouth again to protest, but Lockheart only tutted again and gave him a detention for interrupting. 

Lockheart then declared that time was up for the quiz. But he was disappointed with the results. “How is it that Miss Hermione Granger was the only one to get all the questions correct? I see that we have a lot of work to do.”

Hermione raised her hand. 

Lockheart inclined his head at her. “Yes, Miss Granger? I see that you were very well prepared.”

“Sir, I was wondering if we would be covering the techniques you used to deal with hags and giants? You mention using the Confundus Charm in _Holidays with Hags._ I looked for a syllabus, but I couldn’t find one.”

“Thank you for your excellent question, Miss Granger! We will be going through my literary works in chronological order. So we will be doing _Break with a Banshee_ and _Gadding with Ghouls_ first, and we'll get to _Holidays with Hags_ around January. I look forward to sharing my exemplary techniques with all of you, my pupils. Not just anyone could have defeated the Bandon Banshee!”

Hermione didn’t look entirely satisfied, but she put her hand down. Harry wanted to tell her to not get her hopes up too much. At least it seemed like Lockheart might show them some stuff that was worthwhile.

Before the end of the class, Lockheart’s attention once fell on Harry. “I know what it’s like to be famous, Harry. But you don’t need to pretend that You-Know-Who is back to get more attention. There are other ways to keep your fame! Just look at me! I’ve received the Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award for the eighth year in a row now. I’ll show you that you don’t need to make up stories to be famous. There are many better ways to do it.”

Harry gripped his quill so hard it snapped. The ink ran down his hand, but he barely noticed. 

“You’ll be having detention with me tonight. I’ll let you help me with my fan mail—it’ll be good practice for you. Fame requires careful cultivation. I commend you for your attempts to regain your fame, but you don’t want to risk it all telling tall tales! There are better ways to stay famous; just look at me!” Lockheart shook his head slightly, as if to disregard a passing thought, and pasted his grin back onto his face. “And that’ll be it for today—I’ll see you later. Toodles!” Lockheart then spun around with a dramatic flourish, his periwinkle blue cape floating behind him as he strode back into his office. 

Harry was too angry to think straight. He yelled after Lockheart, but he ignored Harry and disappeared back into his office. Harry could hear Draco snort from across the room. He just knew that he would be hearing dramatic renditions of this class over dinner in the Great Hall tonight. 

Hermione and Ron grabbed him by his arms and pulled him out of the room. Harry was livid. He didn’t know how the year could get much worse.

* * *

Something was suspicious about Lockheart. His second lesson, in which he had attempted to bring in a Runespoor, had been even more disastrous than the first. One of the snake’s three heads had promptly bitten Lockheart on the hand, and Harry had needed to step in to prevent it from attacking anyone else. He definitely hadn’t needed the extra stares and whispers that came from reminding the class he spoke Parseltongue. Lockheart, on the other hand, had required urgent medical attention from Madame Pomphrey so that he didn’t die from the venom. He hadn’t attempted any practicals since. 

Over breakfast, Hermione was expressing her doubts about Professor Lockheart. “Perhaps if I had been a bit younger, I would have been drawn in more by his charisma. But I can’t help but thinking there’s something off about him. How could he have accomplished all that if he couldn’t even handle a Runespoor correctly?”

Ron snorted. “ _Now_ you say so? I remember the beginning of the year, you were as excited as my Mum to hear he would be our professor. _“Oooh, Gilderoy Lockheart’s going to be our Professor. He’s so talented; I can’t wait to see what he can teach us, oooh.”_

Hermione blushed. “His books are good. But it seems like he can’t even manage basic spells. How am I going to pass my NEWTs at this rate?”

The two of them promptly reassured Hermione that she would certainly pass her NEWTs and she had nothing to worry about. Lockheart’s suspicious behavior was dropped.

* * *

About a month later, Dolores Umbridge, the School Inquisitor, announced that she would be doing observations of all the Hogwarts professors. And while all of the observations turned out to be hilarious and shocking in their own way, Lockheart’s was definitely something special. 

“I see you’ve decided to go for a more theoretical route than practical applications.” Umbridge’s voice had that same simpering tone from the Welcome Feast. Harry couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but there was a hint of a blush on her cheeks. Could she be—attracted—to Lockheart? The possibility was too horrifying to contemplate. 

“Well, you see, practicals are important! I’m sure my class would love to see my brilliant technique in taking down vampires. But that might be, ah, a bit too dangerous to cover in a class.” He conveniently forgot to mention the disaster that his one and only practical lesson had turned into. “Besides, the students can better appreciate my accomplishments if we do re-enactments. I’ll be able to fit a lot more into the year if we just focus on my books.” Lockheart preened. 

Umbridge seemed slightly taken aback for a second, but after that immediately continued her volley of questions. “Why did you decide to ignore the Ministry-approved textbook for the subject?” It seemed that even if Umbridge was a personal fan of their Professor, it wasn’t enough to stop her from interrogating him just as much as the others.

“Because my books give the best information on the subject, of course. The previously assigned books were so _dreadfully dull._ Why would I rely on the textbook’s dry description of ghouls when I could assign _Gadding with Ghouls_ instead? It describes my dueling technique much better. And my students appreciated our spirited reenactments of—“

“Hem, hem.” Umbridge’s voice cut through Lockheart’s monologue like nothing else had ever managed.

Lockheart appeared completely gobsmacked that someone had dared to interrupt him. He looked at her like she was a new creature he had discovered, one that he wasn’t sure he liked. Harry suspected that Lockheart’s monologues had gone uninterrupted for a long time. All attempts to interrupt him to ask questions in class had been stymied by Lockheart’s willingness to talk increasingly loudly, and later by his detentions, where he forced unfortunate students to help him respond to his fanmail. 

“Yes, but—do you not agree with Minister Fudge’s academic plans? I had suggested that particular book under Fudge’s direct recommendation. I’m sure that the Minister would not be happy to find out his wishes were disregarded in such a fashion.”

“Oh, I know Cornelius Fudge very well, I would even call him a good friend! I distinctly remember one time when he said, ‘Lockheart, my dear old chap, I simply admire what you’ve accomplished, and your books are some of the best I’ve ever seen!’ This was when I received my Order of Merlin, Third Class, of course. After that, I gave him a full set of my books and some of my best photos, all autographed. I’m sure Cornelius doesn’t mind at all that I am bequeathing my knowledge onto these bright young minds.”

The bright young minds in question glared at him. They certainly did not feel grateful to the opportunity, though Umbridge’s increasing frustration was the best thing Harry had seen in a while. 

Umbridge was stymied. It was clear she did not know what to do with Lockheart, like everyone else in the school. It was equally apparent that Lockheart did not know what to do with Umbridge. Their strange stalemate continued through the rest of the year, to the delight of everyone else watching.


End file.
